There’s this interesting state of being I have stumbled upon: where you feel that you are getting depressed and you don’t want to be. It’s such a strange place because no matter what you do to fight your being from entering the depths of depression, fighting makes it worse. It’s like a quicksand where trying to climb out pushes you deeper and deeper. And, once you have succumb to understanding that your being is at a low enough depth, somehow you go out on a limb – Like a closed hole in a river – You manage to take the inch you need to escape. In a closed hole, if you are able to get just a pinky out of the turbulence, the flow of the fiver will carry you out of the cycle. This is what fighting depression is like. You push and push getting deeper and deeper. You hit bottom and it allows you to realize the freedom you had all along was right outside the issue at hand. Almost, as if to say that sometimes the problem is the solution.
I don’t know if that makes sense. Maybe to some it could make sense because they understood what I was talking about before I wrote these words. Therefore I am just recalling in them what they have already learned. I hope that these words – when I’m fighting can be read to me so that I can just succumb to the lesson life was putting before me and just focus on letting my pinky – a small amount of intuition packed with wisdom -guide me to free waters.
That would be a great test. I am one of those people that stays calm in high stress situations. But, I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to remain calm when the stress is the feeling of falling into depression. Those negative thoughts race and race around my brain. I defeat one after the other and persevere. But, these are not individual battles. These are wars. These are the kinds of power that exhaust the brain. A mental gymnastics running 3 marathons at once. They are grueling. I hate them.
Yet, I also love them. I love them not for who they are, but for who they make me. There is quite possibly nothing more liberating than the moment where you were swimming at the bottom of deep, shark infested waters and get spit out to the top of a mountain overlooking the city below. It’s the 2nd greatest feeling in the world. This is a divine moment. The journey to get there is full of ups and downs and hits a very low point in order to understand just how high your potential can be.
Its one of those things where you are shed from all of your Ego’s limiting beliefs, while simultaneously understanding why your Ego thinks so highly of itself, and more importantly that there is nothing to be afraid of when shooting for fulfilling your potential precisely because you learn your Ego’s imagination will never be wild enough to truly comprehend your true potential! Because no matter how high you get, you will never achieve the height of what makes all of this possible: The Universe. And don’t even get me started on how much higher the one that created the Universe must be. The universe is literally infintesimal compared to whatever you want to call the deity on the other side of matter.
We are given a gift. How will you spend it?