Energy

Tonight I thought for sure I was low energy.

I’m anything but low energy. What I was doing was putting my energy in the wrong places. I’m not sure what spurred this on today. It surely wasn’t there yesterday. Yesterday, I snapped into business mode on a phone call and was happy the remainder of the day.

I talk and write a lot about staying out of your own way. It’s incredibly hard to do when the person you are standing in the way of is yourself.

Aren’t you just being you?

I am not anxiety. But where I was putting my energy was causing it. I had a good day. I was tired from lack of sleep, but it was a good day. There’s a lot to get done. I was set on what my priorities were for the day. The hours ticked by while I fielded phone calls and side-tracked myself from the days tasks.

Which was fine. But, as time passed. I felt the once deadline-less tasks would be a cinch to accomplish. Though the more I looked through my mind at what I could look forward to accomplishing over the coming days, weeks, months. And the things I was nervous about in the next couple months. I get stuck in a clash of excitement and nervousness. Where I can’t tell one from the other. And trying to decide which to focus on I get deflated. It feels like a laziness. I feel a rush of tense relax across the front of my chest, shoulders and down my arms. As if my arms are thrown in the air and fall to the side in defeat. I want to retreat to my chair and meditate on why I am doing what I am doing and how I am doing it. In these moments I may restore my energy, “center” the energy, and focus it on the journey rather than the destinations that may – or may not! – lay on the road ahead.

There are tool that will be useful. But, it’s important to sharpen those tools. Otherwise they fires that hardened them will need to be re-ignited to mend once again.

My Purpose

I used to think that my purpose was, “To help people realize their true potential.” I believed this to be the core truth because it was presented to me by a mind that I respect and admire as at least equal to mine as a summarized statement of my own words. He believed that was my purpose and because he could see that in me, I knew it to be true. Because, damn, could I feel it to be the truest thing I knew.

The irony is that before I could fulfill my potential I needed to believe that I could help an individual reach their potential. Now, that seems like an overwhelming – on a scale of nearly unfathomable proportions – task. If having a purpose exists, why would my purpose be impossible? How could the – now, if we are to believe a person has a purpose in life, the life and purpose were created not merely assumed out of thin air – creator have designed me that way?

The wisest answer is not necessarily the most rationale, and that is this: You are the creator. You designed it that way. You need to find the way to design yourself to fulfill your true purpose.

My Engineer friend helped me to refine my design and distill it into “Help people realize the true potential. Which is an impossible task – one individual at at a time. So, you need something where you can teach people how to help people realize their true potential. And, before you can lead someone you need to first be willing to go alone. And, in the most comedic and ironic twist. I now realize my true potential. I believe in my potential whole heartedly. Because I got high enough on a point where I could see what it looks like from up there (where I am heading) I now can see my purpose is much more simple than I had thought.

My purpose is to help people be themselves.

Body & Mind

Its funny how we store memory. By we I mean me. I couldn’t possibly know how you store your memories. I am not you. Although, It is possible we all store them the same way. If that were the case, then what I really mean to say is: It is funny what calls up a memory from wherever it is filed.

My body has been hurting. A level of discomfort that I had not felt since before I met my past Physical Therapist. The discomfort I have felt since then, I remember attributing to something specific. As I ‘ve tried different things that I know to be beneficial in my recovery, I found myself searching for the wisdom I had attained and could not recall. Until earlier tonight, I realized that I am having a lot of fun. This journey, while I could never have imagined the turns it has taken. The high high’s and the low lows. Overall I think I’ve found the High Life and have found that it does come with some turbulence.

I quickly acknowledged this truth and another split second to appreciate it. Then I moved on loving the night. WIth plans for physio in the living room followed by writing. I took a seat at my desk and perused Instagram. Where a friend posted a video posing the question: “If all your needs are met, shouldn’t you wake up ecstatic?” I doom scrolled some more as this question haunted the attic of my brain that feels like a mansion, the answer came to me: “Because even fun doesn’t feel fun when you take it too seriously.”

I went back to IG and other places on the web. I then emerged and sat back down at my computer. Here I now sit. I whispered to myself, “I am too in my head.” Then, I thought, what are you doing sitting down? You’re supposed to be stretching. and then it dawned on me. The last time I felt this discomfort of inflammation (yes, I was right about not drinking enough water. That is part of it) I realized it was because I was too in my head. It caused me to almost mute the needs of my body. So, I sit here recovering from dehydration and strain on my body.

Body and mind are connected.

Ever since playing short stop this past summer for a game, my abs have been killing me when running. And, of course so, so were my hip flexors. Playing softball, tennis, and some mountain biking this summer and then lots of tennis in the fall, my physical fitness has improved immensely. However, right at that time, I stopped weight training because I nearly pulled – probably lightly strained – my hamstring. It was too hot and I was too dehydrated to be doing what I was doing. I was lifting light and going for fast reps. I was very fit at the time. Not where I wanted to be, but at a level I was proud of the hard work, especially in a relatively short time. Once I stopped training, I began putting more stress on problem areas without strengthening to handle the extra load. The hip flexors got tight and pulled on my core – I’m guessing, I’m not trained in this stuff – and I just kept pushing and doing the bare minimum to recover.

I was too in my head. It’s as if my body is pulling on my mind to listen up. I had so much fun playing tennis this past fall. But, then it started to hurt quite a bit to play. I also became stressed at the same time. I carry my stress in my shoulders and I could feel it tightening. Then my neck tightened and it got to a point where even laying down was uncomfortable. On the court I would tell myself, push through it. I know what to do. I’ll take care of it. But, I only made time for it when it was an area I was afraid would hold me back. As soon as I felt relief, I would say I should do this every day. The problem is I didn’t want to do it. And I didn’t want to do it, because I was too in my head. Too distracted.

So, I must now find my center. I am doing really good with my new habit of writing everyday. I want to do it in the morning too. I want to be that guy that gets up, grabs a glass of water, goes for a walk, makes a cup of coffee and writes. Writes for an hour. Or more! My other is to break of habit of thinking I “should” or “need” to do something. Ironically, as I reflect on when I have caught myself the most it was when I wondered if I should get a sales job and when I tell myself, “I should do physio” or need to do physio. That one always sticks out because I really should do that every day. That should have been a sign rather than a point of confusion in determining the difference between society pressures, your own self judgement, and self-care.

These little synchronicities, bring the mind and body together in the spirit of soul. Mind, body, and soul are connected.

The question to ponder is simple: What had caused the disconnection?

I assume fear is mistaken as the culprit. When whatever was felt was felt by the victim. Emotions seem to be a symptom – not the culprit.

The answer is to such a simple question is complex:

The Ego.

It seems to be true – what they say – The devil is in the details.

It was only fitting, that as I opened the browser tab with my blog loaded, that I was greeted with my Open & Closed post. When I retreated to my mind, my body was closed. My mind may have been searching to be open, and did ultimately find the opening, closing off my body made for a tumultuous task of finding balance. On one hand my ego is playing my mind like a fiddle. On the other hand my body is losing the shape I require to have fun in life sports. My Ego is a huge distraction.

I most likely have only been able to see the light today – After thinking I may have to sit out a match after my warm up stretching felt like I was straining my hamstrings – Simply because I was tuning into the fact that my Ego was trying to distract me. I realize this may seem strange. Why would the Ego want to hurt you?

It doesn’t want to hurt me. The Ego wants to protect itself. And, in doing so it does far more damage than good. It can be a little demon. You know what I have never done? I have never forgiven my ego for hurting me. Or… Have I?

I went through a long period of time where I accepted and I think I have continued to accept things. But, maybe my ego is hurting. And, I think I know what is hurting it. I’ve been toying with this idea all week. I am on a path that seems familiar. It’s not like anything I have done in the past. Yet, I know that all of my experience from the past will be utilized in this next challenge. However, the familiarity is triggering some wounds I haven’t accepted. Last time I went down a path like this, it was a huge learning lesson. Now I have tricked myself into believing that this path is different. That this path is real and that the pressure is higher. In reality, this path is the same. Both felt real – because they were – both had frustrating times and times of bliss.

This time is not different. This time is your time to shine in doing what you do best – spread the message. Tonight I heard the quote: “Behold what you are. Become what you receive.” I am the networker.

Breathe. Relax. Center. Feel. Listen. Receive.

Body, mind, soul. Body, mind, soul.

THE BOOK

I am writing the book so that people can understand me. More importantly, I am writing the book so that people can understand themselves. Be aware of themselves. Understand their affect on other people.

To write the book I must lean into my fear. I must pour salt into my wounds. Not to sting further, but to cauterize the wound. I hope it ends up being a really cool scar. I understand that the wound may get wider and deeper. But, it doesn’t have to. Only the judgement of others can do so. Even then, if I do not accept their attack, as an attack against me and realize they are reacting to their own wounds, only then do I minimize my own pain.

This is the secret. Any pain I feel is my doing. Those that wish to inflect pain, is their own undoing. This is the way.

The Networker

The Networker finds people where they are and connects them with what they need.

That’s who I am. I know because of my friend Mike. One day sitting at a bar in a brewery, probably after Mountain Biking, he gave me the label. At first, I assumed – for some reason – that he meant it as a negative. He said, no. It’s not a bad thing. You can talk to anyone and everyone. Its awesome! I wish I could do that. Which is funny, because he could too. I saw it in him. But, I don’t think I looked at it like that at that time.

When he said, “You’re the Networker.” It hit me hard. Like someone had peered into my soul. It was like I had felt seen for the first time. Yet, I didn’t even see it in myself until he opened my eyes. I always wanted to be the guy that “new a guy.” I had become that guy. I was on the path of fulfilling my purpose. And, I knew what THE next step was. Well… Sort of…

I knew what the next staircase was. The next step I can’t see until I’m on it. So I must trust in the process, love the journey not the destination.

This will be one hell of an adventure, but when Heaven is your destination… Well, Even Jesus had to go through hell to get to heaven. I don’t know why you would think you would be so special.

You have a purpose. I see it in you. It’s a gift and a curse, to be honest. It is a gift because I have met so many awesome people over the years. The trouble is, most did not see the awesomeness in themselves. I’m guilty of that too, as mentioned above. I am the networker that found someone who could point him to the truth. That’s all I want to do for you. I want to help you see the light.

As my fraternity brother in college said, “People lack vision. You need to paint the picture.” What I want to say he said next was, “If you can figure out how to do that, you will make a lot of money.” I know that I know how to do that. I have not yet made a lot of money. Which is frustrating, when you know how to make money. Unfortunately, the saying is true: “It takes money to make money.”

I know that because I have the ability to paint a picture, I believe in my ideas, I believe in myself, I believe that I could raise a lot of money. However, the self doubt does creep in. The perfectionism of wondering how I will find the time to hold a job and raise money makes my brain spin. Believing that I need traction before someone could understand my ideas. It would be easier to show them rather than tell them.

I need to figure out how to show them. Not just tell a story that paints the canvas in their minds. No. I need to literally paint while the audience watches. They need to see it to really believe it. But, maybe I’m just afraid to tell them the story. Maybe I think it’s too deep. Maybe I think it’s too dark to see. I don’t mean the idea is too dark. I mean that the culture is so dark right now, I’m not sure anyone could imagine that the light I want to show them would be visible.

I know its going to be an uphill journey. I started Gardener. I am reversing engineering THE Plan. The problem – the reason it took me so long to get here is because what I saw as the next step and where it could take us was looking from the rearview mirror of a futurist’s vision. The paradigm shift to go from centralized to de-centralized was too far of a jump to be plausible for a critical mass. So, I need to create the applications for the new network. I thought I could create the network. That doesn’t seem to be the case. Unless I am inventing that bias – the one where I don’t think companies will understand a tied house until they see a tied house.

I thought I could teach them how to be a tied house by developing a system that educated the business node on how to allow their marketing to shift from a supply bias to a demand bias. But, I am not sure they would take the time. I would need an army of consultants to assist them in these efforts. Because the system would be so easy to use, I would not have to charge customers very much for expert marketing help. So, I am starting Co-PILOT as a tied house marketing agency.

Life’s Passions

Today was my first day of the snow season and it was epic. Snowboarding used to be a huge passion of mine. I couldn’t wait for my next run. Then, I turned entrepreneur and the high cost of both put snowboarding in the back seat. I still love snowboarding. But I don’t LOVE snowboarding. It’s such a production to get up the mountain.

And by production, I don’t mean packing and getting up early. I mean the gear, the board, the vehicle. It’s a white collar sport, for sure. And I live the life of, “Staying down for the come up.” It’s not a terrible life. But, its not for the meek at heart. Even those with Ego’s telling them their heart is not meek… You gotta question it. You have to. It’s a sanity check.

And when you are the only one you know staying down for the come up… It can feel insane. Really, any passion can seem insane. Most people think Mountain Biking is insane – or at least more people did 15 – years ago. Before mountain biking claimed the summer at all the local ski resorts and those white collar park rats discovered that they could have apres ski in the summer. And, way closer to home. Mountain Biking – my first outdoor love – was more affordable for me over the years. Yeah, I ride a $7,000 bicycle. Yeah, most people think that’s insane. But, I didn’t pay $7k for it. I paid employee price by working one day a week in a shop. I had a second bike for a while that was around the same price tag. That one I bartered for.

(Bartering is such an awesome opportunity for business owners. Many already take advantage of it But, what is the opportunity cost for not knowing a merchant is willing to barter. It’s gotta be huge. Because, every merchant I have met that is not a major corporation is willing to barter. It makes way too much financial sense.)

That’s what I need to do right now. As I grow my businesses – my current side hustles – I need to have passion in my job. The job itself needs to fund my passions right now. Because I won’t be able to turn my passions into economic vehicles before my personal burn rate is exhausted. So, I must find a J-O-B. I’m going to do things that are fulfilling and bring me a sense of accomplishment. I don’t need to hit a homerun to prove that I am a player. I can be a utility player that ads value anywhere he’s placed. How else do you fulfill your passion, but by immersing deeply to serve your purpose?

Snowboarding, Mountain Biking, Tennis, lifting weights, reading, watching videos, education, etc… All of these things serve to train me in the cycle of love and pain that must be endured as your passion evolves through each revolution. It’s for the love of the game. For the love of life.

Sometimes, it’s hard to remember love is guiding you. Sometimes it feels too painful to believe love exists. But, something deep down like an echoing whisper from deep down – Your Gut – Tells you that Love is there. The cycle is continuing to evolve. You have your single and you’ve hit a double. You just struck out or maybe you walked. You can still hit for the cycle. But only if you don’t take yourself out of the game.

Only you can get in your way. Don’t let yourself down. Don’t blame or compare yourself to others. That will keep you down. You are down for the come up. You’re not down to be down. These are two very different things. You’re down to come up as soon as possible.

Put me in coach. I’m ready to play, Centerfield. Because I’m coming up to bat. And when I’m way out in left field, I’m going to make sure I cover my field. I’m going to learn how to hit that triple. I’m going to knock one out of the park.

THE Pitch will be juicy.

Let me tell you a story.

All I want is for you to tell me your story. Then, I want to converse about ways that we may share a story. See… Your story is good. But… I know it could be GREAT. You know it too, and maybe you think your story is great…

Well, that does not matter. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A story does not come to life until the listener beholds it. What is a story without life? Not great. If I am not able to process, adopt, and adapt your story within my belief system, it dies. It falls flat on its face.

If it’s an email, I don’t click. If it’s a social post, I don’t like. If it’s a blog, I don’t read more. I’m not saying you only have one shot, though. On the contrary, you may have more than one shot. But, there are so many shots shot at my goal that yours may not even make it to me before being deflected. It’s also not an open field. Your shots are being filtered by a myriad of factors.

When you do get a shot on my goal. Take your best shot. Make both of us believe that there is greater value together than on our own. And, I will buy your story. Your story will guide me to finding my true potential. If it does not guide me there – shame on you.

Sincerely,

Your Customer.

Why is the word “Millionaires” used to Perceive Success?

I just saw an ad stating that Millionaires do not use to-do lists, they time block. Why is it that the term “Millionaire” is used as a sign of credential? And, why is it that they still use the same technique that I – someone Identified as an aspiring millionaire – a broke entrepreneur should also use? What is a Millionaire and why should I want to be one?

Well, let me tell you why I don’t want to be a millionaire. I don’t want to be a millionaire for the same reason I first decided I wanted to be one. That reason is Freedom. That’s why the term is used as a declaration of nobility, those that are not yet millionaire’s believe the title will grant them freedom. The truth is… A million bucks just ain’t what it used to be. The guys that get software jobs, max out every inch of benefits, live poor, and accomplish F.I.R.E seem to regret the experience. At least, the ones that really geeked out and published how-to’s on blogs and hosted podcasts. They seem to regret the life they missed out on. These guys were obsessed with the 4% rule which says, the market yields on average 8% yields. If you make a deduction each year of 4% the principle, your money will continue to grow modestly while you live on a fixed income. To figure out how much you need to retire, simply take the amount you want to live on per year and divide it by .04. As an example, if you can live on $80,000 per year, divide that by .04 and you will discover that you can retire with $2,000,000.

We know intuitively that in this society, a $2Millionaire would not feel like freedom. Knowing its your retirement, it could feel like freedom from a job if you did stick to living within your means. But, we are Americans. We have inflation $80,000/year is not what it used to be.

I don’t want to be a millionaire. I want to be a Billionaire. And the reason I want to be a Billionaire is because:

If I can make $1B it will mean that I have solved the income gap in America. At which point, my solution – assuming I steadied my course and did not have to pivot due to unforeseen circumstances – would allow for a world where freedom could be obtained by those that understand the ideals of social good. In other words, you wouldn’t need to be a billionaire to enjoy the pleasures that Humanity has created.

I am out of it.

I checked out back in August, or maybe it was September. I can’t quite say exactly. I can only feel it. I was having the time of my life. The Mariners were finally the team I remembered as a kid. I was living up life. I was free. For the first time since around the time I graduated High School, I felt like I lived in a free country. And I was.

The Ukraine War was still going on, but the media has seemingly moved on from it. I rarely see a Ukrainian flag waving from a window or building. And I am very observant. When I do see one, even in a neighborhood as woke as Capital Hill, it seems the same as seeing a Bernie bumper sticker on a Prius – Like they forgot to take it down. As I sit here, the war is still going on. I am not quite sure who is winning though. Before I checked out, I remember seeing media that suggested the messaging was altered. There’s a part of me that still has one foot in. I know that the war is still going on. I don’t know what’s happening. I am American. When I was younger that was the joke, its still a joke I make today, but it was also a privilege to be able to live in a country with such a great affect on the world that the actions of other countries don’t effect your emotional well-being. There is always a slight scare. That David vs Goliath story that a small power could triumph over the greater power – there’s always those stories to give you a double-edged sword stab in the back. Right behind the shoulder blades, right where the mechanism for stress and anxiety are stored like a pair of wings retracted into an internal storage compartment. Waiting to be unleashed so that you could both ascend above fear and dive through the repressed traumas of life. The narrative seems to be an attack on those wings. To petrify your ability to expand and find community with your neighbor. If you can’t turn away from self-pity and misery, how do you ever trust that your neighbor is your community?

And so, the war is really far away. I don’t understand it enough to educate someone on the affair, nor really anything about the history. All I an do is hope that no innocent lives are harmed. Which I understand is probably impossible. The whole thing is really, really sad. And, I don’t know what needs to be done about it. And, if I did… Who would listen?

If I could develop a way for those who felt they weren’t heard to have a voice, that’ probably what I would dedicate my life to. The task is really, quite improbable to solve. But whoever gets close to solving that problem – and I don’t mean they get so close that 1 single person was not heard, or even 100 people for that matter -will have secured the essence of democracy. That’s pretty amazing. I can’t really think of anything more satisfying than Freedom. It is the ultimate feeling. If society could organize itself to emulate free will, we would guaranty that both dystopia and utopia are represented within the spectrum of demographic organization.

So, with this in mind. I checked out. I am obsessed with this. I checked out when I realized that I finally had a way to fund the project. And, I’m not really sure where I went. I mean, I do. I went to a place of fear. I went to a place where I thought I could find a way to fund myself while building the project and still have time to build. I am not so sure it is the type of work I want to be doing right now. It was rough. I was helping someone with their social media marketing. They were the worst client I have ever helped. But, they were also the first client to tell me they never wanted help in the first place. So, they weren’t the right customer. Obviously, this is marketing 101 stuff right there! But, I don’t want to do marketing for people. I want to coach people on how to do marketing for themselves. The interesting thing about that client, is he illustrated the problem I want to solve: People who own businesses don’t understand Marketing. This is a huge problem. HUGE. Marketing requires that you understand a business is a web of influence. If you do not understand this, you will make the mistakes of the Dinosaurs that are only surviving by feasting on their own flesh. You know, the GE’s of the world. The kind where a guy making Half a Mill per year thinks he should partner with a department store and have a better display than the competition.

Have you been in a Best Buy lately? You can barely walk down the aisles because the retail floor has become a warehouse. Best Buy is literally what the name says it is. Its just a good place to buy the things that are required by post-modern households. It’s not a community gathering place. It’s not a venue to showcase the latest and greatest tech has to offer society. No. It’s a fucking electronic grocery store where the products are all plastic with no variance in organic matter that would require taste of the eye of the beholder like a tomato or apple. It can all be ordered curbside. They don’t even let you walk by the guy at the door without telling him what you are looking for! No browsing at Best Buy.

The dinosaurs are no longer needed.

But, there is no David vs. Goliath story when it comes to business. David grows into Goliath before he can pave the way for future David’s to emerge. And emerge they will. The only thing David is good for after becoming Goliath is reminding you how not to do it. But, isn’t that how life lessons are taught? Maybe this is the way it needed to be. Maybe this is the necessary process of evolution. I think that’s right. I hope that’s right. Because I am not sure it will ever be possible to defeat Goliath from ever emerging. I know I am going to try. But, the problem is three fold: 1. Whoever solves the problem will become enormous, 2. We will always look up to others through our infinity for hierarchy, and 3. We aren’t that different. People will always organize themselves around a shared belief. The beliefs will form hierarchies around their institutions and god-like constitution. The difference is this: if done right the power of the hierarchy should not infringe on the liberty of its neighbor.

This is the most interesting problem to solve. It’s one of those things that I don’t think anyone can disagree is a noble cause. The problem is it may be too bold to suffice as its own solution. Which is kind of what I was trying to do with tied.house. Let’s say the tied.house idea was layer 1. The freedom problem is layer 0. Gardener is like layer 2. Co-PILOT is like layer 3. As is the Brokerage and the Listing portal. Layer 4 might be the crypto. I am not sure though. I’ll need to think about that some more. There was an illustration of the stack in the notebook that I lost. I am still mortified that I lost that notebook. It will be okay. I can do without it. But, there were some notes in there that would be awesome to have. Anyway, all of that is to say that Gardener is probably where I should put my focus. I need to raise money. But, I also need to be earning money. This is the problem I am currently faced with. This is the reason I checked out. I need to discern. But, I can’t seem to see clearly.

I really don’t want to go back to a Dinosaur. Maybe a startup would be good. Or someone that wants growth. I can’t help shake this feeling that I just need to follow the money. The money is in sales. That’s all I want right now. I just want money. I have a project that needs to get off the ground – it is off the ground – I have a project that needs boosters turned on. I need money for myself and I need money for my startup.

I need to be selling. I need to be raising money.

Those are competing sentences when I need the money right now. Do I sell shares? Do I sell a product that earns high commissions. Can I sell both?

Can I get a high paying job in Marketing and do both?

I don’t know which way to go. But I know that deep down, I know exactly what to do. I am trying to get deep down. I can’t seem to get there. That is depressing.

I’ve been checking back in. It’s fun. But, lately I have found it hard to believe I deserve check ins. I feel like a loser. Not that I am going to be a loser. But, that I am choosing to be a loaner while I figure out this problem. I check back in and play tennis. It’s super fun. It’s my social outlet right now. Which is weird for me to only have one. I feel like I am in an un-natural place. And, maybe that’s where I need to be to feel out what is natural and naturally take the next step. I just need to trust in the process and not think I am a loser for choosing the path I had to go at alone.

When being alone does not feel natural. It feels kind of insane. I wonder what that could mean? I am find being alone. I am not saying that I cannot sit with my own feelings. I am really good at add’ing deep into my thoughts. I LOVE IT. But, I get my energy from people. I love people. I want to commune and have fun with people. Lately, I feel like my interest has been fixated on how to release people from the burdens that make them repress the desire to let loose. And, so maybe sub consciously that’s what I had to do to myself. I went through a period where I felt that my existence didn’t matter to the world. That’s a strange feeling. It feels like there is at once an impending doom and grasping at a thread of hope that it all has meaning blowing in the wind. Like a carrot dangled in front of a donkey. Not knowing if you are the carrot, the donkey, or both. And the answer is probably all three, the carrot, the donkey and their essence. A spirit of non dualistic threads can be felt in this place of internal turmoil created by a flicker of a belief that obsession requires insanity to exist. It’s simply not true. However, one can create their own hell due to obsession and insanity may be obtained. I would caution you to not go there. Do not go to that place where your obsession makes you even wonder if it’s causing you to go insane. If you do find yourself here, seek a spiritual partner to help you see your way back to the light.

I was bobbing up and down in the wind finding threads to pull me back up. When I was blinded by the dark I was able to feel the spirits breath and find the string to grab ahold of to allow me to grab another breath before losing grip and heading back down. I wonder if Lemolo’s album Swansea is the place where you are able to grab a breath but are still submerged in the waters. I wonder as she sings to the listener where to find her, is she too alone? Does she want to be alone? When does someone decide this?

I am not sure when I decided this, exactly. But, I don’t want to be alone. Many of the strings that pulled me up to the surface were thanks to my business partners, Will and Tracy. Reminding me that I am not totally alone. But, I am alone when it comes to my person – my other half.

I don’t really like where I am right now. It sucks. I know I had to be here to feel and really understand what it feels like to be unemployed. On a budget that works but doesn’t always get applied. I needed to feel what it feels like to have such great uncertainty. I had felt this once before for an extended period of time. But that was a different time. That was a different circumstance. What I just went through is an average experience amongst Americans. Wow does it suck. I understand the hierarchy.

That experience of getting laid off, not knowing what the future holds, debt knocking on the door, medical bills, I am still lucky. I wasn’t supporting anyone at the time. I don’t have all the responsibilities that many have compiled on top. I can imagine what it feels like and I know that my imagination is most likely under selling me. I never want to feel that. I never want anyone else to feel those feelings. Not on my watch. But, I am glad that I have felt the uncertainty. I am glad that I was able to see it for myself. I don’t want to go back here. I am in hell. And it hurts knowing that many are deeper in hell than I am. We need to save ourselves from our own doing – the system that we designed for ourselves has some safety measures. Such as unemployment benefits. What it lacks is a trinity of democracy.

Our government is based on a trinity. Three branches make the states united. The economy is also a trinity: the micro, the macro, and the freehand. Our government is a regulator of socio economic transactions. From this emerges a spirit of culture. Culture is under attack. We know this, because right now politics is controlling culture. I would not call it a war. It is not a war between the participants of culture. It is a war on the culture itself – If, you can imagine culture as a shape. The shape is changing and the forces are coming from the politicians who shape their ethics through regulations. Rather, than through a census of demographic organization. The reason is because the voice of the people is not clear. The voice of the people has never been organized to the standards that an engineer could codify technologically. And, its both baffling and trite to reason that such harmony in democracy has never been thought to be fundable. Read: no one knew how to monetize it. Just look at Twitter…

I always wanted to buy Twitter. Obviously, Elon beat me to it. Twitter is the purest social medium we have. Unfortunately, they were trying to Fuck it up. I’m glad Elon bought it – as long as he does what I think he’s going to do with it. Which is turn it into a database controlled by the user. Its the whole goal of tied.house. Twitter was how I envisioned a public channel on tied.house would bata-ize.

Maybe it still will. Maybe I figured out a better way to do it. We will see.