Its funny how we store memory. By we I mean me. I couldn’t possibly know how you store your memories. I am not you. Although, It is possible we all store them the same way. If that were the case, then what I really mean to say is: It is funny what calls up a memory from wherever it is filed.
My body has been hurting. A level of discomfort that I had not felt since before I met my past Physical Therapist. The discomfort I have felt since then, I remember attributing to something specific. As I ‘ve tried different things that I know to be beneficial in my recovery, I found myself searching for the wisdom I had attained and could not recall. Until earlier tonight, I realized that I am having a lot of fun. This journey, while I could never have imagined the turns it has taken. The high high’s and the low lows. Overall I think I’ve found the High Life and have found that it does come with some turbulence.
I quickly acknowledged this truth and another split second to appreciate it. Then I moved on loving the night. WIth plans for physio in the living room followed by writing. I took a seat at my desk and perused Instagram. Where a friend posted a video posing the question: “If all your needs are met, shouldn’t you wake up ecstatic?” I doom scrolled some more as this question haunted the attic of my brain that feels like a mansion, the answer came to me: “Because even fun doesn’t feel fun when you take it too seriously.”
I went back to IG and other places on the web. I then emerged and sat back down at my computer. Here I now sit. I whispered to myself, “I am too in my head.” Then, I thought, what are you doing sitting down? You’re supposed to be stretching. and then it dawned on me. The last time I felt this discomfort of inflammation (yes, I was right about not drinking enough water. That is part of it) I realized it was because I was too in my head. It caused me to almost mute the needs of my body. So, I sit here recovering from dehydration and strain on my body.
Body and mind are connected.
Ever since playing short stop this past summer for a game, my abs have been killing me when running. And, of course so, so were my hip flexors. Playing softball, tennis, and some mountain biking this summer and then lots of tennis in the fall, my physical fitness has improved immensely. However, right at that time, I stopped weight training because I nearly pulled – probably lightly strained – my hamstring. It was too hot and I was too dehydrated to be doing what I was doing. I was lifting light and going for fast reps. I was very fit at the time. Not where I wanted to be, but at a level I was proud of the hard work, especially in a relatively short time. Once I stopped training, I began putting more stress on problem areas without strengthening to handle the extra load. The hip flexors got tight and pulled on my core – I’m guessing, I’m not trained in this stuff – and I just kept pushing and doing the bare minimum to recover.
I was too in my head. It’s as if my body is pulling on my mind to listen up. I had so much fun playing tennis this past fall. But, then it started to hurt quite a bit to play. I also became stressed at the same time. I carry my stress in my shoulders and I could feel it tightening. Then my neck tightened and it got to a point where even laying down was uncomfortable. On the court I would tell myself, push through it. I know what to do. I’ll take care of it. But, I only made time for it when it was an area I was afraid would hold me back. As soon as I felt relief, I would say I should do this every day. The problem is I didn’t want to do it. And I didn’t want to do it, because I was too in my head. Too distracted.
So, I must now find my center. I am doing really good with my new habit of writing everyday. I want to do it in the morning too. I want to be that guy that gets up, grabs a glass of water, goes for a walk, makes a cup of coffee and writes. Writes for an hour. Or more! My other is to break of habit of thinking I “should” or “need” to do something. Ironically, as I reflect on when I have caught myself the most it was when I wondered if I should get a sales job and when I tell myself, “I should do physio” or need to do physio. That one always sticks out because I really should do that every day. That should have been a sign rather than a point of confusion in determining the difference between society pressures, your own self judgement, and self-care.
These little synchronicities, bring the mind and body together in the spirit of soul. Mind, body, and soul are connected.
The question to ponder is simple: What had caused the disconnection?
I assume fear is mistaken as the culprit. When whatever was felt was felt by the victim. Emotions seem to be a symptom – not the culprit.
The answer is to such a simple question is complex:
It seems to be true – what they say – The devil is in the details.
It was only fitting, that as I opened the browser tab with my blog loaded, that I was greeted with my Open & Closed post. When I retreated to my mind, my body was closed. My mind may have been searching to be open, and did ultimately find the opening, closing off my body made for a tumultuous task of finding balance. On one hand my ego is playing my mind like a fiddle. On the other hand my body is losing the shape I require to have fun in life sports. My Ego is a huge distraction.
I most likely have only been able to see the light today – After thinking I may have to sit out a match after my warm up stretching felt like I was straining my hamstrings – Simply because I was tuning into the fact that my Ego was trying to distract me. I realize this may seem strange. Why would the Ego want to hurt you?
It doesn’t want to hurt me. The Ego wants to protect itself. And, in doing so it does far more damage than good. It can be a little demon. You know what I have never done? I have never forgiven my ego for hurting me. Or… Have I?
I went through a long period of time where I accepted and I think I have continued to accept things. But, maybe my ego is hurting. And, I think I know what is hurting it. I’ve been toying with this idea all week. I am on a path that seems familiar. It’s not like anything I have done in the past. Yet, I know that all of my experience from the past will be utilized in this next challenge. However, the familiarity is triggering some wounds I haven’t accepted. Last time I went down a path like this, it was a huge learning lesson. Now I have tricked myself into believing that this path is different. That this path is real and that the pressure is higher. In reality, this path is the same. Both felt real – because they were – both had frustrating times and times of bliss.
This time is not different. This time is your time to shine in doing what you do best – spread the message. Tonight I heard the quote: “Behold what you are. Become what you receive.” I am the networker.
Breathe. Relax. Center. Feel. Listen. Receive.
Body, mind, soul. Body, mind, soul.